7.14.2008

Serenity and Order


I'm going to choose two words: Serenity and Order. Breathe in . . . breathe out: serenity. Breathe in . . . breathe out: order.  

Here's what's up.  My physical world is a mess.   A MESS.  A monstrous, maniacal, murderous, meandering MESS. (Yes, it does meander.  It's evil.  It's got tiny, hairy, black legs.  It's full of spite and malice.) For three years now I've been running from one deadline or crisis to another, juggling far too much and barely surviving by ignoring my own life and house. Mostly, I've only been able to drop by occasionally here at home to do a load of laundry or two and pay only the most insistent of bills. First it was full-time school at UVSC while I was still serving about 20 hours a week down at BYU. Then it was out to Hawaii to take care of Natalie's house and boys while she and Richie did EFY. Then home for a breath or two and away to Arizona for a month to help my mom-in-law deal with some medical issues. Let's see, then where? Back to Hawaii for a month for Lincoln's birth, I think. At the end of one of those jumbled months in there, I moved unexpectedly to Scottsdale to take care of Mom and Dad-in-law--and stayed, full-time, for seven months, and then, after a couple of months to help ease Dad after Mom's death, I moved from Arizona to California to get Dad set up and comfortable in assisted living. Next, out to Hawaii on a sudden emergency, and back to Scottsdale to get the folks' house emptied out--60 years worth of stuff!-- cleaned and ready to rent, and then, Gavin's death.  And the world came screeching to a halt, sending suitcases, laundry, paperwork, treasured possessions, hearts, minds, memories, souls and sanity skidding and crashing in all directions. When I finally made it home last July, it was the first time I'd slept in my own bed in over a year . . . and at that point, all my grieving body wanted to do was just that: sleep, sleep, s l e e e . For an entire year: I ate then slept, then ate and slept, again and again and again. Meanwhile, the piles of un-ironed clothes, stacks of mail and magazines, the towers of who-knows-what-that-is-or-where-it-goes, have multiplied and crept into every corner and taken up residence on every horizontal surface of my life. I feel like one of those crazy pack-rats that gets outed by her kids on Oprah. I don't dare get out of bed in the night to use the bathroom for fear I'll trip and fall into the black hole of one of these piles, and disappear. And then, heaven help me, someone else will have to come in and figure out what to do with all this mess.

So, today I'm choosing two words: Serenity and Order. And I'll breathe into them over and over until I've shoveled my way out. I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but I'll keep you posted. Wish me luck. 

Do you have a word or two you'd like to breathe into?

6 comments:

I'm Natalie. said...

Mom,

At it's very worst your house is EONS beyond mine at it's very best.

Sheesh.

lyn. said...

"I think I can... I think I can..." }-:

shelly said...

And Annie, you barely even touched the surface, I guess you know! I seem to remember a whole lot more that you didn't mention! Ahhh, the craziness of this life. I'm loving the words Serenity and Order. A couple more I'd like to breathe into Tranquility and Harmony.
P.S. - How's the shoveling going?

They call me Annie said...

Well Shel, I'm wondering if maybe I need a new shovel.

Gibson Gang said...

Man alive! Sounds like your last year of sleeping and eating was well deserved. I've never met a busier person who dedicates so much of her time to the needs of others. I'm afraid that life can keep us so busy that we don't have time to have a life. Good luck with your endeavors. I choose patience and peace as my two words to breathe in this next week. Take care!

p.s. I'm so happy to see you back at blogging... love your insight.

Kelli Radmall said...

Fresh and clean. Light and Airy. These are the things I would like my home to be. I'm sure any chaos or mess you have is completely justified-look at how crazy and complicated your life has been! All I did was have one little baby who doesn't even really make messes yet. When she was born I used to watch the show "clean house" because it was on in the early morning when we got up. I used to think, "How did these people get like this?!" Now-I honestly feel like I need to be on a show like that. My baby is about to start crawling and I need to clean and de-clutter so she can avoid contracting some crazy disease while she puts strange objects into her mouth or by chance encounters the bathroom floor. EW. I think I need to borrow your shovel. . .